How to talk about football during the world cup, when you know nothing about football
The 2018 FIFA World Cup is underway in Russia, which in no way bribed itself into that position. Everyone’s suddenly a football expert, except you. What can you do about it? Read on…
Brazil swaggered about for much of the first half with Neymar — looking every inch the A-lister with his meticulously coiffured blond crop. He repeatedly slowed to a halt in a flashy attempt to trick his marker into a rash move. Yet they were stunned when Zuber headed the equaliser early in the second half and, despite a late onslaught, Brazil could not dig themselves out of the hole…
If you didn’t understand a word of that, this post is for you. Football is the sanguineous juice that squirts through our nation’s veins, so it can feel a bit awkward being the only person in the tap-room who doesn’t know the offside rule.
I know. I am that eternal wallflower, ostracised and muttering with embarrassment whenever the fateful question is asked: “who do you support?”
It’s like being asked whose side you’re on — and you don’t have a side. You’re no one. You’re Billy No Mates. You’re the kid that teachers flick spitballs at.
But fear not! You can fake it and during the World Cup is the ideal time to learn how to do that. The World Cup is a crash course in the highs and lows of the beautiful game, compressed into four compact weeks. All you need to do is go with the flow, get yourself a cheap England shirt — available from literally any shop anywhere — forget every shred of pride and self-worth you ever had and follow our simple instructions.
Watch the matches in a crowd
It’ll be difficult to avoid football during the World Cup, so embrace it head on. Head down the pub to see the matches with your “mates”. You do have those, don’t you? I’m asking because, honestly, I don’t. I haven’t had “mates” since I was in my twenties.
Anyway.
Being in a crowd will provide handy camouflage for both your ignorance and lack of social success.
If you’re invited by a friend to watch a match at their house that’s fine too, but check who else is invited. If it’s just you and your friend, counter-invite them to the pub. It will get embarrassing very quickly if it’s just you (pretending to like football) and your friend (who really likes football) alone in a room watching 22 men run around in their shorts. Unless, you’ve really been waiting for that moment, in which case, fill your boots.
To get yourself out of the house, make sure you have your excuse in place. Good ones to use are:
- I like the smell of the crowd
- The pub has a better TV in it
- The pub has better beer in it
- The pub has better human beings in it
- Your sofa has nits
- I can’t stand watching your dog lick its balls
- I can’t stand watching your dog lick your balls
Listen to the pundits
Before the matches begin and at half time, a group of middle-aged men with strange ideas about facial hair will appear on screen talking about the game in progress.
These people are “pundits” and they have years of experience boring paint off walls with their incessant talk of total football and the merits of various formations.
They are also, to a man, as stupid as a rucksack full of lobotomised Chihuahuas.
Nevertheless, listen carefully and try to remember some of the key points they make. It won’t be difficult as they will tend to speak very slowly and repeat themselves a lot. You can then wait for the same subject to arise in conversation and drop in nuggets like:
“It’s a coin toss between the three of them.” (Adrian Chiles)
“The thing about goalscorers is that they score goals.” (Tony Cotee)
“I don’t want Rooney to leave these shores but, if he does, I think he’ll go abroad.” (Ian Wright)
“If that had gone in, it would have been a goal.” (Adrian Chiles. Again.)
What side are you on?
It’s very important to know what side you’re on as soon as possible in the proceedings. In World Cup games this will not always be obvious, unless your national side is playing. Here are some broad rules you can apply in England.
- If you’re in an English pub and England are playing, support England.
- If you’re in a Scottish pub and England are playing, support the opposing team.
- If Germany, America or France are playing, support the opposing team.
- If a plucky South American underdog is up against a big European team, support the plucky South American underdog.
- If the Netherlands are playing anyone but England, support the Netherlands.*
As the World Cup progresses it will get more complicated. The play-offs will decide what kind of match your favourite team will face next — easy or hard. Clue: we always want an easy to beat team so we can get to the final fairly and squarely, so always support the team that will be easiest to beat.
In normal, league football, it is VERY important that you know who you support. As in, life or death. Not only should you pick a team and stick to it for the rest of your life, but you must also know who the star players are, who the manager is, how the team performed last season and how they’re expected to perform next season. If you decide to take up supporting league football, you will be tested periodically on this information by your peers and if you get anything wrong they will stab you.
Or so I am lead to believe.
Consider the World Cup a primer for this much, much harder test of your potential credibility as a fake fan.
Finally, and very importantly, make sure you know what shirt colour your team is wearing. This will prevent the potential embarrassment of cheering for an opposition goal or praising a particularly brutal tackle against your side.
*I just really like the Dutch.
During the World Cup, this Argentinian bloke is your enemy. I think it’s Lionel Messi, but I have literally no idea. (Image from Wiki Commons)
Avoid one-to-one football conversation
Even though you’ve have had a crash course in football etiquette, you should still avoid one-to-one football conversation as much as possible. If you do find yourself stuck in a corner with a single football fan, the best tactic is the tried and tested therapist approach.
In this strategy, you let the other person drive conversation, then turn all your chatty friend’s questions back on him, like so:
Chatty Friend: “That first half was dire. Where’s the defence? Where’s the attack?”
You: “You think there’s no defence or attack?”
Chatty Friend: “Did you see Indesit go straight through them? Bosch’s untested, he just bottled it.”
You: “Yeah. Bosch’s a bit green. What do you think’s wrong with the attack?”*
Every now and then, drop in a bit of information you’ve gleaned from the pre-match pundits:
Chatty Friend: “And Hotpoint. I haven’t seen him go near the ball!”
You: “Well, he’s only just come back from injury.”
Chatty Friend: “He should be ready. He’s had six weeks to recuperate.”
You: “You think he should be ready?”
And so on.
*Please note that I do not know the names of any footballers, so in that last bit I used the names of white goods manufacturers.
Mimic the crowd
When you watch the match with a gang of people, they’ll give you lots of important behavioural cues.
Crowd behaviour in humans is similar to pack behaviour in any animal. The alphas lead the crowd and the others merely mimic and follow. Think about birds flocking, sheep running around a field or a group of monkeys flicking shit through their cage at the zoo.
So, be just another monkey. Or fish. Cheer when everyone else cheers. Turn to your mate and roll your eyes when everyone else groans. And when the big geezer with the tattooed forehead jabs a chair leg into someone’s perineum, don’t do that. You will be arrested and taken to the cells.
Learn these key phrases
In addition to these sneaky communication techniques, you can also drop in some of these phrases while the match is in progress:
“Referee!”
Say this with a tone of exasperation any time you see a man in a black shirt talking to one of your team.
“It’s gone a bit quiet.”
If the crowd hasn’t cheered or booed for a while, or your Grandma has stopped breathing.
“Oi! Get back to drama school!”
If a player from the opposite team is visibly injured and falls over, writhing in agony, blood spurting from every orifice.
“Where are you?”
Say this when the action lingers too long near your team’s goal. Also use if Delia Smith appears on screen (just trust us on that one, OK?)
“Robbed!”
Say this if you receive a text saying that you’ve been burgled.
Over the next month you’ll have plenty of opportunities to put your new knowledge and skills to the test. And who knows? By the end of the tournament you may have graduated from being a fake fan to a fully fledged football know-it-all.
As for me? Fuck that noise. There’s a Doctor Who marathon on Twitch.
